Keep your head up!!

I don't really consider myself to be a runner.  I have never really enjoyed this past-time but I also find myself craving it if I haven't gone at least once within the week.  I started running after Karrington was born, so that's what.. probably around 6 1/2 years ago.  I am also blessed with terrible knees and hips, so I will, unfortunately, never be a long distance runner.  I have settled for feeling accomplished with my morning 5Ks.  If it's any further than that, it's just icing on the cake.

This last Sunday on my run, I had a bit of a realization.  An awareness that I've always known about but for some reason, this weekend it just hit me differently.

I look down when I run.  I always have.  It's important for me to pay attention to and anticipate the condition of the spaces where my feet will land.  It helps to protect my joints.  The more that I focus on the path in front of me, the safer that I'll be.

But I've also always wanted to be one of those people who goes to these fabulous places and runs. In the mountains, thru forests, on beaches, over old bridges, past waterfalls, down roads thru fields of wildflowers..  Wouldn't it be amazing to go for a run and be surrounded by that majesty and beauty?!? As I ran Sunday morning, I thought of this and realized that even if I was there, doing the exact thing I dream of doing at that very moment - I wouldn't see any of it because all I ever do is look at the pavement beneath my feet!!  I found myself missing the beauty of what was already around me because I was watching for loose gravel and potholes.  I was watching for what-ifs.

I want to be one of those people who really sees where they're going.  I mean, I know it's important to look down periodically to make sure my path is safe but I also want to keep my eyes on the big picture - taking in the scope and magnitude of the purpose that surrounds me.

So I forced myself to keep my head up this weekend.  At first - ugh!  I didn't like it at all!  It felt new and awkward and significantly unsafe! But that's something that I'll learn to overcome with practice and time.

Then there was the fact that when I look down and watch the path at my feet - I feel like I'm actually accomplishing so much more!  You see, the path beneath my feet moves much faster than the scenery does when I keep my head up.  (You know, like when you're driving in a car, the road beside you speeds by incredibly fast while the field that is further away passes by much more slowly.)  And as a girl who values her time and tries to spend it wisely, I want to feel like I'm gettin' something done! But this perspective of feeling like I was accomplishing something more just by keeping my head down, was more discouraging that I expected and it left me feeling quite unsettled..

So why am I sharing this??  Because this is how I believe too many of us go thru our lives.  This is how I've been going thru my life.  I want to get stuff done!  I want to accomplish things!  I want to make progress!  I want to knock my run off of my to-do list!  But how often am I really stopping to make sure I'm even on the right path?  Do I even enjoy the progress I'm making?  Am I accomplishing something that is really important?  Do the answers to these questions matter?  Actually, it's the only thing that does really matters.  Living an intentional life with purpose and meaning requires perspective and reflection.  The only way to accomplish that is to learn to keep my head up and focused!

There will come a day, for me and for all of us, when our paths and journeys will end.  When that day comes, we will face the test of what we have really accomplished in this life.  As Beth Moore poses in her book Audacious, what will others say about you when you're gone?  Will they say that you lived an intrepidly daring, adventurous, and bold life?  Will they say that you lived your life with love?  Will they say that you lived your life for Him?   A better question to ask is what will He think?  Since that's all that will really matter on that day.



For those of you who don't know, tomorrow is my last day at Koch.  My last day at Flint Hills Resources.  This will be a bitter-sweet day for me.  I will more than likely cry, that's usually what I do.  I believe it safe to assume that I have walked thru that tunnel probably some 4,000 times in the last 8 1/2 years.  And while I am not defined by my profession or by my place of employment, Koch has definitely been a part of me and who I have become.  I have grown and changed and I am so grateful for everything I have learned by being a part of this great company.

But, it's time for something new.

Next week I will begin a new chapter.  I will place my feet upon a new path.  I am so excited and blessed to be joining the Wichita Habitat for Humanity team.  And I cannot wait to begin my journey!!  I pray that I have the courage and heart to truly live out their mission statement:
"Seeking to put God's love into action, Habitat for Humanity brings people together to build homes, communities and hope."

I want to learn to run with my head held high, filled with love and focused on my God.  Because taking His path is the only one that really matters.

For Better or Worse..

A few weeks ago, I came down with a really rotten cold.  One that started in my chest, then moved to my head and then on to my sinuses.  Two weeks, two doctors, and two Rxs later, I finally saw the hope of feeling better again!

As a mom, it's not like we really ever get a sick day, not really.  Life just keeps churning and turning all around us.  Everyone still needs us and there are still so many little hands and feet demanding our time and attention.  The longer and longer the ick sticks, the less and less capable I always feel to handle the blessings I've been given.

This time around, at about day ten or so, I was past done being sick.  I was worn out and empty.  Everything that I had was being depleted by just going thru the motions of my everyday responsibilities.  I simply had nothing left.

Lately I've been trying really hard to be focused on being the woman God made me to be - a God's girl full of Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Gentleness and Self Control {Galatians 5:22-23}.  And this sickness thing was really throwing a wrench in my fruit bowl!  The fruit of the spirit is pretty close to the last thing I had felt full right about then.  Agitated, frustrated, defensive, annoyed, intolerant are words that maybe, potentially (ok - totally!) described some of my feelings.  I knew it and I was sorry but I just didn't feel good!!

But that's when I found myself thinking of what God's expectations of me really are.  Just like my wedding vows, God doesn't expect me to shine like His light unto the world only when I'm healthy and feel good.  I'm not called to act like Jesus only when it's easy!  I feel pretty confident in saying that living life wasn't really that easy for Jesus either!

If I am a true Christian, then I need to take my vows to God seriously. Taking a look at some traditional wedding vows and altering them just a bit - I, Kimberly, take you Jesus as my Lord and Savior, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death does us join, according to God's holy ordinance; and thereto I pledge myself to you.

Wow.  That really puts it into perspective!  I found it humbling and honoring to realize what I'm really called to do.  And also incredibly, ridiculously difficult when I don't feel good for like two weeks!!!

Thank the Lord I'm not called to be perfect because sometimes I am weak and even when I try I will fail.  But I am also forgiven and so very loved.  So I will put one foot in front of the other with my eyes focused on the real goal - my moment before God.  For Him, I will joyfully live my life.  I will strain against the grain.  I will walk the path that is narrow and rough and gratefully stumble along the way.  I will also do everything I can to ease the path of those that follow and join me.

I am called to live my life the best that I can for Him.  So I will choose to practice being a strong and faithful God's girl (which may just include a very early bedtime and keeping my lips zipped when I have nothing nice to say!).

I am thankful for the silver linings I found nestled in my sickness - a grateful reminder to appreciate being healthy and a deeper devotion to my faith.

Friendship

We are not asked to understand, we are asked to Trust in God and to Love one another...

I don't need you..

I'm sure that almost everyone has felt the pain of rejection and knows the risks that we take when we open ourselves up to other people.  We learn and develop skills to protect our hearts from being trampled on by others who sometimes mean us harm.  But this doesn't stop our hearts from yearning for connection, because God made us to connect.  He made us to want and to need each other.

I've always had a strong and courageous personality.  I wasn't really afraid to put myself out there and be who I was, but I also tried really hard to protect myself.  I didn't want to be rejected or hurt so I didn't really let anyone in.  

Until relatively recently, I'd say within the last 5-6 years, I didn't understand how important it really is to let others in.  How important it really is to our soul to create real and honest connections with others.  Because from real connections comes real life and real love.  

What is real connection though?  Vulnerability.  Authenticity.  Presences.  Humility.  Wow, who's uncomfortable yet?!  Those are some sensitive and scary spaces!  And for the same reason that you won't just let anyone come waltzing in your front door, I do not recommend you just let anyone come waltzing into your soul either!


Some people don't believe in magic.  I believe God works magic in spades.  Call it magic, call it miracles, call it love.  Call it whatever you'd like, but God is out there providing us opportunities to make our lives more beautiful and more meaningful all the time.  We just have to take a chance and lean into it.  Sometimes we can't see or understand how these opportunities will play out or help us grow right away.  Sometimes it may take months or years to see the true beauty of the gifts God gives us.

For me, one of these gifts arrived in an interview nearly 8 1/2 years ago.  Her name is Missy Funderburk and she was interviewing me for an accounting position.  At the time, there was no way that either of us could have possibly known that we would spend the next decade growing closer and falling in love with each other.  That we would walk thru joys, celebrations, trials and tribulations and become the best of friends.  That our souls would become weaved together forever.

The journey wasn't always easy and I doubt either of us knew along the way what we were destined to become.  Over time, we began to grow closer and have challenged each other in amazing ways.  But we couldn't do that until we began being really honest and vulnerable with ourselves and each other.  We began to journal back and forth with each other and share pieces of ourselves that were raw and pure.  I will always cherish the space we created between us among those pages and believe that it was the best gift that I have ever received.


I don't believe I'm really that unique.  I believe every one of us needs to feel accepted and loved for who we are, but we can't do that until we allow others to see who we really are.  We desperately need to allow ourselves the chance to find our "tribe" as Martha Beck calls it.

I have watched this play out over the last 8 weeks.  This summer we had the blessing and the privilege of our son attending Heartspring's Camp SSTAR - a summer camp for children with Autism.  I have watched my boy, who has struggled almost his whole life with being accepted and understood, blossom and feel like he belongs.  And not only did my son feel wrapped in love and acceptance, but so did his mother!  Watching the staff at this camp made me know, without a doubt, that God sends angels here to earth to bless us!!  

The sense of belonging gave my son a new belief in himself and our life has been a little easier and happier this summer.  We still have a very long journey ahead of us, but it was so amazing to watch what belonging and friendship could do!


This Sunday (August 2nd) is Friendship Day.  
This year a piece of my soul moved and now lives hundreds of miles away.  But no matter what and no matter where, we will be forever friends.

If you're interested in beginning a journey towards living life with your whole heart and developing more meaningful relationships, I'd highly recommend a couple of my favorite authors: Brene Brown (try The Gifts of Imperfection or Daring Greatly) or Martha Beck (try Finding Your Own North Star).

The Best Life Ever!

I just want to level set a little bit.  So I'll just say that I have the best life ever!  I am so very blessed.  God has provided me with so many blessings, so many opportunities.  I have a great husband, amazing kids, the best friend any one could ever ask for, a beautiful home that keeps me warm and safe, parents that support me and never stop loving me, and a circle of family and friends that keeps my cup overflowing.

I'm not trying to brag and I am not saying my life is easy.  I struggle and fall down on a regularly scheduled basis!  It is only by the grace of God that I can kneel while I'm down there and pray for the ability to stand back up some days.  

But it is thru that faith and thru that grace that I can say without a doubt, I have the best life ever.

I haven't always felt this way - so lucky/blessed - no matter what circumstances blew my way.  In fact, I used to live under a dark cloud of pessimism.  No matter what rainbows painted the sky as a promise of hope, I'd focus on the dark clouds and rain.  I spent years hurt and angry and lost.  

So what changed?  How did I become someone who now chooses to seek the silver lining in everything?  

Sometimes it takes a significant, life changing event to jar you to the core of your being.  To rattle the foundation of the life you've created.  There came a point in my life where I felt like all I had left was Hope.  I didn't have understanding.  I didn't have peace.  I didn't have love.  I felt so alone and so empty.  Honestly, I felt so scared because when I looked at my life, what I saw was not who I wanted to be.  My life was not what I believed all of this was supposed to be about.  

But somehow I found hope in all of that.  Hope is that thing you hold on to when everything else is falling apart and the ship is sinking.  Hope is really that light at the end of the tunnel.  When I finally remembered who was shining that light, things began to get brighter.  

And so began a journey.  A beautiful, long, winding journey that I pray will not end until the day I take my last breath.  A journey of finding myself and finding God.  A journey of discovering who he made me to be and how I can live out my life with passion and purpose.  A journey of taking the struggles I've had and the lessons I've learned and creating a better world for those around me.

Healing takes time.  True healing takes the love of God.  A Father so full of love and passion for each of us that he gave us the most amazing gift.  Until I was a parent myself, I never understood what true sacrifice that really meant.  The gift of eternal life at such an incredibly high price.  Jesus paid for our eternal life because he loved us so much.  I never got that before - what that really, truly meant.  A love like that, a love worth dying for, heals and completes us like nothing here on earth ever can.

But at the end of the day?  I'm just human.  I make mistakes, I get frustrated and fussy (I'm sure my husband would be happy to confirm this if needed!!), and I don't always live up to the woman I want to be.  I see that dark cloud looming and some days I plop down and stew awhile.  But an incredibly wise woman {LysaTerkeurst} has taught me to focus on valuing imperfect progress and practice, practice, Practice!  

So these days, when I notice I've set up camp at the base of the mountain to chew on a problem I practice looking for the light.  I practice gratitude.  For if I'm busy being thankful for all my blessings, and they are so many, then I don't have the time to feel quite as sorry for myself.

Hope

How and where do I begin?  I think it makes sense to start with why I'm here.  Why am I beginning this journey?  Why am I attempting this blog thing?  Really it's pretty simple actually.  It may be the only thing in life I can actually sum it up with one word!  Hope.  

I hope and pray that I'm not alone in this world and that others, just like me, need to hear that.  I hope that my journey and my words, my experience of this world might offer hope to others like me.  Mothers who struggle to provide Godly guidance to their challenging and wonderful blessings (aka children)!  Wives who want to fulfill God's purpose for their marriages.  Women who want to bring light and joy into a world of struggle and confusion. 

So.. thank you, whomever you are.  For stopping by to join me.  For reaching out in this world to take a risk, to read a blog, to share a story, to bring a little more light into this world!  Thank you to those who inspire me, who love me and hold me accountable to the beautiful woman God made me to be.  I am so thankful to all of you and pray that you feel the hope and love that are truly alive!